Coco-NAT Water: Musings on the drunk train home…

Okay. I am on the drunk train home after a night out in Earl’s Court. The train smells of B.O and onion rings. Worth it for a trip to an amazing bar called Ping- really good music+ pingpong! What more do you want?! Rather than listen to music and stare blankly off into space (extra-diegetic gazing for my fellow wordsmiths) or text people I am taking this odd moment of dance-induced euphoria/surprisingly clear thinking to complete a blog post I’ve been drafting since last Thursday. I will leave it in its original format for your entertainment. Oh my – tuneless renditions of happy birthday have just begun…Lord please save my ears.

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Q1) Have you ever had that sinking feeling when you buy into a concept favouring quality when you know your rational mind is advising you against it? Yes? Move onto Question 2.

Q2) Have you ever been so sorely disappointed by said concept despite repeatedly telling yourself not to hold expectations as a general “life-mantra” to avoid the comedowns and their residual aftershocks?

Yes? Move on to Question 3.

Q3) Was this disappointment caused by a cancelled date? If so – you’re on the wrong blog. Might I suggest you confide in a friend or on the amusing array of self-help websites available at your fingertips? thanks Google… Rom-com novels and respective film adaptations such as He’s /She’s just not that into you may alleviate your troubles… Bridget Jones-ing with pints of ice-cream or Frozen yoghurt are also a sure-fire way to wallow in self-pity feel better. ๐Ÿ˜

Here’s a helpful graphic from the internet world…

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Was your answer “No?” So was mine… lucky you! Continue to Question 4.

Q4) Was the disappointment caused by a beverage? No? Well I am about to make the impossible possible. Do read on if you’re bored, feeling sleepless, or have nothing better to do than trawl your wordpress feeds…

It was a hot day and I’d been working hard at the office designing corporate info-graphics and juggling training commitments alongside arranging my next project… On the way home, I thought I’d treat myself to a beverage so I would stay hydrated on the journey back. I ventured into M&S to peruse their beverage section. I was so tempted to pick up a fresh(ish) juice, but I’d already had their carrot juice and a beetroot based juice earlier that day as a mid afternoon energiser… I also didn’t feel like something too sweet. Then my eyes happened upon a small bottle of coconut water which, based on my past experience of fresh coconuts in asia, appealed to me straight away. “Low sugar, known to cool the body down as well as rehydrate better than water. It’s nature’s Gatorade!” Or so I thought…

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Just like it is possible to be so wrong about your choice of mate/date๐Ÿ˜, it is possible to be wrong about a beverage. To make things worse, I bought two because I was thirsty.

On opening the bottle my nose was greeted by a faint whiff of what I can describe as “stale pee and sugar.” My heart sank. Again. I closed my eyes and took a sip, tensing every muscle in my mouth and throat to swallow the equally awful tasting liquid. This was definitely not like the fresh ones I grew up drinking. “Jesus christ. Who passes this stuff for consumption?!!!” I thought, as I stared morosely at the second bottle I would have to down like the 16 successive tequila shots on my 21st birthday… Or the shot of Camel’s milk at my school’s ramadan fundraiser in Dubai. I downed them like a champ, committed to the cause.

My thoughts after a second taste remained the same…Still offensive! I was so thirsty and so upset. The packaging set me up for something tasty, but its was NAYSTY!! So nasty. I noticed the packaging read “freshly pressed” ABSOLUTELY WRONG! You do not press a coconut. They are hacked open with a cleaver and the sweet, fresh water inside is consumed straight from the coconut with a cheap straw!

This coconut water was neither cheap nor fresh.

Lesson for M&S: You cannot bottle coconuts and you shouldn’t try. What you are selling in beautiful packaging is lies. LIES!

The ratings: 0/5

******LIES !!!!******

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